Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Five Tips to Feeding the Green-Eyed Monster in You

Here are five tips to make you feel like sh*t and want to shut off the world from your life:

1. FACEBOOK as much as much humanly possible - snoop, snoop, snoop. And if that wasn't enough, comment the crap out of everyone's photos, status updates, likes, dislikes, relationships, deaths, new friendships, fan pages, etc. Then start adding people from back in high school, middle school, elementary school, kindergarten, old neighborhood, market next door, etc. Wait until they ignore your requests and resend until they block you forever. Also, play and add any game possible, everyone absolutely loves getting Texas Hold 'em invites. Finally, the cherry on top of the frosting of the zuchinni vegan red velvet cupcake is create Events that aren't really events and send them out to everyone on your friends' list, such as, "Hey I lost my phone!" or "Please support my YouTube Channel!" Although they will ignore and block any event invite from you, it will successfully make people unsubscribe from update feed or add you to their little black list of blocked people.

2. Create a TWITTER account and have spammers follow you so you feel like you're tweeting to an audience and then follow as many cool people that you envy as possible, like celebrities that don't give a rat's ass about you and who will never meet you and who don't want to meet you (their personal slaves, I mean personal assistants, are probably tweeting for them anyway). Then start RT their witty status updates and reply to them as if you have some sort relationship with them. You will be left with your "RT@KimKardashianBooty OMG I love your purse, and those 70's style pants make your ass look like a bag-full of cellulite girl! We should workout together."

3. Visit all the popular CELEBRITY GOSSIP BLOGS AND MAGAZINES to get the scoop on all your favorite celebs that boost the green-eyed monster inside you. This will validate your life and you will realize how boring your life is compared to their lavish lifestyle with paparazzi and fans following them and smelling their farts everywhere. If Ryan Gosling could zippy bag his fart, it would go like hotcakes. If Beyonce takes pictures of her callouses, so will we! If a celebrity has a new tribal tattoo on his arm, so can we! Thank you gossip media, you allow to shape our self-identity and help us realize what was missing in our life all this time, was simply just having a life.

4. I gotta admit, YOUTUBE is one of the greatest websites in existence (I love you YouTube, please never leave us!)... However, it can also be a trap for the green-eyed monster... There are thousands of videos that are uploaded everyday and we can easily and shamelessly subscribe to any profile we want. Subscribing to the so-called YouTube "gurus" to listen to their rants and hauls and tags and get to know me's and... I'm sure there are tons of ands... But these feeds help in making you feel so uninteresting and poor. "Oh, so did Michelle Phan talk about her $$$$ skincare product that helps with having a baby butt soft skin on her face, well, I can afford Dove soap, that's fancy for my skin. Moisturizing with my natural oils and sometimes Vaseline if I have some extra is as much skincare as I'll get. But that's OK, I'll keep listening to Michelle Phan because she helps me remember I can't afford half the stuff she uses, Yipeee!"

5. And last but not least, SHOPPING!!! If you ever need to validate your self-worth, why not go shopping with money that you don't have! That's what credit cards are for, and bankruptcy will help clear debt (it's not very hard nowadays to declare bankruptcy, probably as difficult as divorcing), so of course anybody would go for some shopping therapy and seek ridiculous trendy outfits and shoes and accessories. Not to mention, expensive leased cars that can't be afforded but that's why it's better to leave in the ghettoest of the areas in a small crammed rented room so you can show off that amazing little beemer that is not yours. But wait, if you maxed out your credit cards and have no money to shop with, then continue browsing the Internet and magazines and celebrity gossip blogs and YouTube hauls, to help you envy the crap out of anybody else that is in a better financial situation than yourself.

It's time to go outside to breathe the fresh air in the dry and brown hills of Los Angeles (if you live in Southern California) and enjoy life the way we want to live our life. It's less suffocating than all the media we are bombarded with in our computers, phones, televisions, etc. etc. etc. And making an effort to keep that little green-eyed monster at bay and disconnecting from all these social media that is not good for the soul.

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